Standards in relationships: friend or foe?

This blog was originally written in November 2004 and first appeared on the website I ran at the time, www.slinky.net.nz (which ceased to exist by 2006)

How many times have you walked into a relationship with a feeling of de ja vu?  If you are anything like me then chances are that it has happened several times.  When I say walked into a relationship with a feeling of de ja vu, what I am talking about is one of two possibilities.  The first possibility is that you will fall head over heals in love with the other person but the feelings will not be reciprocated.  The second possibility is that the other person will fall head over heals in love with you but you will not reciprocate their feelings because you are not yet over the person you were in love with before them.  It honestly does go in this pattern; the ones who you love never love you back and the ones you don't love back do love you and would do anything for you.

     I have been in this situation several times and I have never found a solution.  I asked a few of my friends if they had found the same thing and they said they had, as this was the case we giggled together for quite some time before going back to this discussion.  One of my close friends said that, 'you do have a balance of feelings in the beginning".  This is where both people feel the same way for each other but over time one of the people will have their feelings dwindle into nothing whilst the other will have the feelings grow and grow.   My friend and I reached the conclusion that the reason why we don’t seem to find that balance is because of the law known as Murphy’s – if anything can go wrong then it will go wrong.

     Why does this happen I begun to wonder, is it because we have a criteria in this day and age that we may not have had 20 or even 10 years ago?  I know that I have a criteria of attributes that I look for in a partner and if the potential mate does not meet one of them, I will instantaneously rule them out.  Why should I settle for less than I deserve?  The one person who did meet my criteria did not feel the same way and ever since that happened I have been struggling to find anyone who is deserving of my time.  It took me 18 years to find that one person who met my criteria and I believe that if one person can meet my criteria then surely there is another person out there who will meet my criteria.  

     Does this make people living in this day and age horrible people because we settle for nothing but the best?  No, it doesn't in my opinion.  It just means that we have learned from our parents mistakes; after all several of our parents were getting divorces.  A lot of our parents would then remarry and we would find that they would be with that person for the rest of their lives.  At present my parents are in the process of separating, ten years later than most of my peers experienced the same thing.  On the other hand if we truly analyze this situation, maybe the reason why our parents do get divorces is because they got married at a younger age and thus grew during the marriage to the point where they were a different person to when they got married.  These days people are keen to travel and study and begin a steady career before getting married and there is a chance that this is a good thing because by the time one does get married they will have grown into themselves whilst our parents were getting married and having children while they were barely out of their teenage years.  I believe that before getting married it is best to find out who you truly are and what your objectives are in life.  If you don't know yourself when you walk into relationships then your partner is not going to have a chance of getting to know you either.  While we are on the topic of who we are as people, and knowing ourselves we must realize that in order to attract a partner who we find desirable we must feel good about ourselves first.  It really is true what that old saying does say; “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you back”.  People also attract people who are similar to themselves so if you are a friendly, loving person then this is the type of person you will attract whilst if you are a nasty person who only cares about yourself then this is the type of person you will attract.  I know this very well, when I am feeling fantastically about myself then I attract others that feel similarly about themselves.  If it is true for me then I believe that it is true for everyone else.

     The bottom line is that our parents’ generation walked into marriage and relationships a lot younger than this generation and this could be why they were subject to so many divorces and failed marriages.  When you walk into a relationship do not give up straight away but; at the same time you must not settle for anything less than what you deserve.  This may sound a little bit contradictory but what I am saying is give someone a chance to prove themselves over a few dates before you write them off and then after those dates if you still do not see a future with them then the chances are that you never will and as harsh as that sounds it is the truth.  And another final point is that we do in fact learn from history and it very rarely repeats itself; well in an ideal world it wouldn’t but we most certainly can and do learn from history.